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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22627297">16 Candles (16 Camera Flashes)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockitup/pseuds/sockitup'>sockitup</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Safety in Numbers [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Men's Hockey RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Dick Pics, Gen, Magical Elements, Taking dick pics by committee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 09:14:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22627297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockitup/pseuds/sockitup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When active players have relationship problems, and turn up in bed with retired players in need of help, you can never be sure exactly what they're going to need.</p><p>-*-</p><p>“What’s wrong with my dick?” says Mitch angrily.</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with your dick!" says BizNasty, "Or at least I hope there isn’t, I don’t know shit about that. The problem is this picture.”</p><p>“What’s wrong with the picture?”</p><p>“You’re holding your dick up next to a red bull can, in really dark lighting, with dirty hockey shit in the background. That’s what's wrong with it.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Mitch Marner/OFC</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Safety in Numbers [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/278058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>167</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>16 Candles (16 Camera Flashes)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Working title of this fic was "Paul Bissonette read <i>critique my dick pic</i>, this is my headcanon and you can't take it from me", to give you a general vibe of what's going on here.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mitch wakes up still kind of sad from the night before, and is met with the image of a tattooed arm, which is attached to a man who is sitting up in bed and holding a phone. He looks up. Biz looks down.</p><p>“Do you want to be on my podcast?”</p><p>Mitch shrugs.</p><p>“Do you like, really need advice about something?” asks Biz, “Because I can try, I’ve never had to do this before. I figured the 16s would be going to Bobby Clarke for a few more years at least.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” sighs Mitch.</p><p>Biz puts his phone down.</p><p>“Okay bud, let’s do it. I gotta record in like an hour.” </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Tell me what the matter is, so I can fix it for you and meet Whits before we have to record.”</p><p>“I don’t really know,” says Mitch, “It's just that, well, like I was talking to a girl last night and she asked me for a picture and now she isn’t answering me.”</p><p>“Do you think she’s a Bruins fan or something? Is that why?”</p><p>“No no,” says Mitch, “We’ve met, we matched on bumble and went on a date. I was telling her how much I liked the date and like, maybe we could go on another one. And I said maybe next time we could do dinner and then breakfast, you know?”</p><p>“Pretty good line, yeah,” says Biz, “Was she not into that?”</p><p>“She sounded like she was! She asked me for a picture right after that, and then after I sent it was when she stopped responding.”</p><p>“Buddy,” says Biz slowly, “Did you send her a dick pic?”</p><p>“She asked!” insists Mitch, “She said ‘show me what I have to look forward to in between meals’ that is for sure asking for a dick pic!”</p><p>“Damn,” says Biz, “That does sound like she was asking you to send a dick pic.”</p><p>“Yeah, I didn’t just send it at random. I’m not an idiot.”</p><p>“But you did send one?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Biz sighs deeply. </p><p>“Okay dude, I’m not going to like this any more than you but…. Show me the picture.”</p><p>“What?” Mitch squeaks.</p><p>“Show me the picture you sent her, and I'll tell you if that’s why she stopped responding.”</p><p>Mitch reaches into the pocket of his flannel sleep pants, and pulls up his phone. He looks at Biz again. </p><p>“Look dude, the 16s are supposed to go to Bobby Clarke. If you’re here with me, then you must need something that Bobby doesn’t know about and that I do know about. So show me the dick pic,” says Biz.</p><p>Mitch swallows, sits up, and turns his phone to Biz. He looks at it for all of 10 seconds.</p><p>“Okay, this was definitely the problem,” he says.</p><p>“What’s wrong with my dick?” says Mitch angrily.</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with your dick! Or at least I hope there isn’t, I don’t know shit about that. The problem is this picture.”</p><p>“What’s wrong with the picture?”</p><p>“You’re holding your dick up next to a red bull can, in really dark lighting, with dirty hockey shit in the background. That’s what's wrong with it.”</p><p>“I’m trying to show how big it is,” says Mitch, with too very pink dots forming on his cheeks.</p><p>“Dude, buddy, my guy,” says Biz with laughter in his voice, “She does not care how big it is, and she definitly doesn’t care how big it is compared to a fucking red bull can.”</p><p>“She doesn’t?” asks Mitch.</p><p>“I mean probably she does a little. But the whole idea that big dicks are the only thing that matters is a lie that dudes tell to each other. Have you ever heard that ‘it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean’? Or ‘it's not the size of your sword, it's how you use it in battle’?”</p><p>“Yeah, but that’s for when you’re actually fucking isn’t it?”</p><p>“It's also kind of for the pictures,” says Biz, “Or like, I guess that the picture is supposed to make it look like you know that fucking isn’t all dick. You want a picture that makes her think you’re hot and you’re going to make her cum. So you’re dick’s going to be in it, but you gotta have like, your abs and your hand and some clean sheets or a towel or something like that in it too.”  </p><p>“And you think that she would have kept answering me if I took a picture like that?”</p><p>“Yeah, girls don’t send texts that make it sound like they want to suck your dick for giggles most of the time.”</p><p>Mitch sighs, and looks dejected.</p><p>“I wish I knew that yesterday,” says Mitch, “I really liked her.”</p><p>“Well there’s no need to talk like that,” says Biz, “We can still turn this thing around.”</p><p>“You think so?” says Mitch hopefully, and Biz knows in his heart that Bobby Clarke would not be about to suggest this and that is why he’s going to be late to Chiclets today.</p><p>“Yeah,” says Biz, “You have to send her a good morning text, see if she’ll respond, then say something like ‘I’m not really good at showing it late at night, but I’m still thinking about you this morning’ and then if she takes the bait on that, hit her with a ‘can I show you how much I’m thinking about you?’ and if she says yes, we’re going to hit her with an A+ out of this world dick pic, and boom. You’re right back in it.”</p><p>When it's laid out like that, it sounds daunting but not undoable.</p><p>“Okay,” says Mitch, “I think we should do that.”</p><p>“Send her a text. Just say ‘good morning’ but put an emoji with it,” says Biz, and he gets out of bed to go to a chest of drawers.</p><p>“Should I send a heart?” asks Mitch.</p><p>“No,” says Biz, “Just do a smiley face, keep it simple until we know if she’ll answer.”</p><p>Mitch sends it.</p><p>“Okay,” says Biz, “Now we get ready.”</p><p>He throws a set of sheets at Mitch.</p><p>“What the hell?” he says.</p><p>“Come on,” says Biz, “The sheets on my bed are green, it's going to look way better if you’re against white sheets. Get moving.”</p><p>Everything else that Biz has suggested so far has made sense, but this sounds like Biz is just trying to get someone else to do chores around his house. Mitch goes with it anyway, and between the two of them the bed is remade about a minute before Mitch’s phone dings.</p><p>It just says ‘morning’. </p><p>“Okay, not ideal, but we can work with this,” says Biz.</p><p>“What do you mean, not ideal? She answered me! She said morning.”</p><p>“Yeah,” says Biz, “She said ‘morning’ not ‘good morning’ or ‘morning handsome’ and there’s no emoji. God, you’re supposed to be one of the young guys, why am I explaining this to you?” </p><p>“So does that mean that I still don’t have a chance?” asks Mitch.</p><p>“No no, you do. We just have to think very carefully about the next text here. Try ‘sorry I was a little weird last night’. Actually no, don’t write that. Write ‘my bad about being weird last night, pretty girls make me nervous sometimes’ and see what she says.”</p><p>Mitch diligently types that out, and shows it to Biz before he hits send.</p><p>She answers ‘stoppp, you weren’t even that bad’ and adds a winky face. Mitch shows it to Biz, who immediately cheers.</p><p>“Oh shit this is going to work!” he says, and once again throws something at Mitch.</p><p>“What the hell?” asks Mitch again, and looks at the gray sweatpants.</p><p>“Put them on,” says Biz.</p><p>“Why?” asks Mitch.</p><p>“Because gray sweatpants are like, girl lingerie. They fucking love seeing men in gray sweats, that’s what you’re going to wear in the picture. Hurry up, we have to answer her.”</p><p>Mitch does switch out of the plaid pants he’s wearing, and into the gray pants, while Biz plans the next text outloud.</p><p>“...yeah, I think just, ‘I mean, I’ve been thinking about you all morning so…” is the way to go here. No emoji. Little bit riskey, but try it.”</p><p>Mitch sends it, and Biz is immediately ordering him around again.</p><p>“Okay, get into bed like you’re going to sleep in the middle of the bed. Now throw the covers down, so they’re like, on the top of your thighs, but do it kind of at an angle you know?”</p><p>Mitch follows those directions as clearly as he can, and then Biz comes over and moves the covers all of about half an inch to one side.</p><p>“Any answer from her yet?” </p><p>“Not yet, she didn’t read it yet.”</p><p>“Alright,” says Biz, then opens the blinds so that light pours over the bed and over Mitch in fat lines.</p><p>“Lets see here,” says Biz, “You’re right handed?”</p><p>“Yeah,” says Mitch from where he’s trying not to move out of Biz’s careful arrangement.</p><p>“Okay,” he says and climbs onto the side of the bed and perches on his toes like a bird of pray at Mitch’s left shoulder. “Grab your dick.”</p><p>“What?” squawks Mitch.</p><p>“Grab your dick!” says Biz again “So I can get the picture.”</p><p>Just then Mitch’s phone dings, and they both stop to look at it.</p><p>The text says ‘really? Alllllll morning?’ and Biz looks pretty confident when he tells Mitch to type ‘wanna see?’</p><p>“Okay,” says Biz as soon as it's sent, “pump your dick a few times till you’re chubbed up. Then grab your dick at the bottom from the outside of the sweats, like so you get a dick print. Then I’ll take the picture from here, but you have to put your left arm up so it looks like you took the picture.”</p><p>“Oh god,” says Mitch.</p><p>“Trust me,” says Biz, and Mitch doesn’t, but he reaches into his pants and wraps a hand around his dick.</p><p>The phone dings, and it says ‘show me’ with a little devil emoji next to it.</p><p>“Hurry up,” says Biz, “We gotta send this out.”</p><p>“Well it's hard when you’re sitting on my shoulder,” says Mitch.</p><p>“It's not hard, that’s the problem,” says Biz, “And don’t talk to me like you didn’t get out of juniors like two weeks ago. Just close your eyes and jerk it like you did when you were on the bus.” </p><p>Mitch closes his eyes, and tries to think of nothing but pretty girls and devil emojis. It's not like, a great jerk off sesh, but after about two minutes Biz speaks up.</p><p>“That’s enough for the picture, grab it from outside your pants now,” and Mitch does as he’s told.</p><p>"Little bit tighter," says Biz, "And angle it up."</p><p>Mitch has never had someone micromanage his dick before. Its not fun. The thing about putting his left arm up so it looks like he’s taking a picture of himself, while Biz is the actually takes it, is even less fun and much more convoluted. He ends up resting his elbow on one of Biz’s knees. Biz snaps five photos, and then Mitch can just lie down and stop flexing his abs or focusing on not moving his arm.</p><p>The pictures actually look…. Pretty hot. Even Mitch can tell that. The gray sweats stand out against the white sheets, you can see a pretty healthy amount of toned stomach, and the cut of his hips sliding into the sweatpants. The beams of light somehow frame his dick, even though his dick is under the sweatpants it still looks pretty tantalizing, he thinks?</p><p>“Send her the third one,” says Biz, and Mitch does.</p><p>They both look at the phone silently until the three little gray dots pop up. </p><p>At first it's just strings of emojis. Heart eyes, then the tongue, then the water droplets.</p><p>Biz starts punching him in the shoulder.</p><p>“You’re back in.”</p><p>Just then an actual text pops up. ‘Let me see under them sweats’ and there’s another row of heart eyes.</p><p>“Yeah buddy,” says Biz, “If things don’t work with this girl give her my number.”</p><p>“Things are going to work,” says Mitch defensively.</p><p>“Lets send her two this time,” says Biz, “Start jerking again.”</p><p>Mitch rolls his eyes, but he does it, and thinking of the promise in the text messages he’s getting helps a little.</p><p>“Okay,” says Biz, “First one, just have your dick straight up tenting the sweats, have your hand on the tip, and kind of put your wrist to the side so that you can see like a few good inches of shaft through the gap where the sweats are lifted.”</p><p>Mitch does exactly that, but apparently that’s not right, because Biz rearranges the tilt of his wrist three times. He almost seems satisfied when they hear the creek of a floor board.</p><p>“What the fuck?” says a new voice, and they both turn to see Ryan Whitney at the door.</p><p>“I’m Bobby Clarke now,” says Biz.</p><p>“Is Bobby Clarke known for this sort of thing?” asks Whits weakly. </p><p>“No I mean, Mitch woke up here. I’m giving him sage advice.”</p><p>“You look like you’re giving him a hand job.”</p><p>“I’m sending pictures to a girl,” says Mitch, “But I’m not like, very good at it? Which is why I woke up here, but she liked the last one so now she wants a new one.”</p><p>“We’re supposed to be recording Chiclets in 30 minutes,” says Whits.</p><p>“Then come help get this done,” says Biz. “Bent knee or no?”</p><p>Whits still looks apprehensive, but he does come stand next to Biz and look.</p><p>“Bent knee,” he says. “And the blinds should be open for this.”</p><p>He goes and pushes the blinds until the whole bed is in sunlight, while Mitch bends his knee at 4 different angles before Biz pulls his left arm out of the frame of the photo again and snaps another 4 picture.</p><p>“Send her the second one?,” asks Biz and flips the phone towards Whits.</p><p>Whits comes over a looks at the phone critically. Mitch has never felt so judged in this life. If he didn't really want a second date, and even more for her not to think he's a useless douche bag with a little bit of money and a little bit of fame, he would have given up on this a long time ago.</p><p>"Send her the third one," says Whits finally, and Mitch does.</p><p>“Now for the next picture,” says Biz, and he looks over at Whits, “Pants off?”</p><p>“Nah,” says Whits, who has done a pretty abrupt 180 on this situation, “That’s too much for the morning. Pull your dick out and don’t be really jerking it, but like have your hand around it and put your thumb on the tip.”</p><p>Mitch does that, at first he thinks he got it right the first time, but then Whits bends and unbends his leg, steps back to look, bends his leg slightly more to the left, and then steps back again to pull the sweats about two inches further down his leg. He finally nods at Biz who is still perched on his toes at Mitch's shoulder. Mitch has been in concussion protocol sexier than this. Its a miracle he's maintaining this boner. Biz snaps a picture finally. It does look pretty good. The sun light is definitely better than the weird desk lamp that Mitch had on last night. He actually looks…. Good? He looks really hot. He's kind of, sort of looks like how he'd be arranged in the bed if she was riding him. It starts to slot into place for Mitch why that would be a much better picture to send than his dick next to a red bull can.</p><p>“You are 100% getting laid off of this,” says Biz.</p><p>“We gotta go to Chiclets,” says Whits.</p><p>“Okay,” says Biz, who turns to Mitch, “Do you want to be on the podcast?”</p><p>Mitch wants to jerk off alone, that’s what Mitch wants.</p><p>“Not today, I don’t think,” he says.</p><p>“Alright fine, but you owe me,” says Biz, “Don’t cum on my clean sheets. I don’t want those sweatpants back, so you can do whatever with those. I’ll be back in like 3, 4 hours? There’s nothing in the house, so uber eats something. Bye.”</p><p>He turns leave. As they go, Mitch faintly hears Biz asking Whits 'since when do you have a set of my keys?' And then, just like that, they’re both out of the house and Mitch is left in bed with his performative half chub going strong. </p><p>Mitch has never been magic'd somewhere before. This doesn’t feel like it's been as helpful as he thought it would be, especially considering that he knows that Willy got a standing offer to plan his wedding from Eric Lindros.</p><p>But then his phone lights up next to him, and the screen says, ‘definitely can’t wait to wake up next to you and stick my hand down those pants before breakfast’ and he sends back ‘tomorrow night?’ which gets an instant ‘yes’.</p><p>So, maybe waking up with Biznasty wasn’t that bad. Mitch tries not to think about Biz too much more after that, though.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Special shout out to user justanotherfacet: You suggested that I use Biz as a retired player in the comments of 91 Bottle of Vodka on the Wall, which is why he was in my notes when I came back to writing these. It may have taken me 4 years, but you were right. He's full of hilarious possibilities. </p><p>Please continue to feel free to drop suggestions in the comments folks!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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